Fictional Characters Have Issues
by Dndchk
Summary: I know it says Harry Potter and Twilight, but this will have many more series in it. Contains huge spoilers. MADE UP OF NOTHING BUT CHARACTER BASHING! This does not mean I'm a hater. Just read, please. FLAMES MAKE ME LAUGH! Rated T just to be safe.


**A/N: This is a series of random one shots that is nothing but character bashing, bashing and more bashing! I don't hate most of these characters- I just like picking apart the many aspects of their personalities and bringing the worst ones to light. Don't expect me to do villains, because it's pretty obvious that they have issues. CONTAINS MANY SPOILERS! This chapter is about the Harry Potter series. R&R- I don't even care about the flames! I will roast marshmallows and hot dogs on your flames! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!**

The Marauders, minus Peter (because we all know he has issues)

"My name is James Potter. I am in love with Lily Evans, but always ask her out in the most embarrassing ways possible. I am conceited, arrogant, stuck- up, and have no respect for school rules. I am a bully. I constantly torment Snape just because he exists. I am always pushing my friend Peter Pettigrew around. Although I would die for my friends, I didn't trust one of them with a secret that could have saved another from a life sentence in Azkaban."

"Call me Sirius Black. I, like James, have no respect for authority. I am an even bigger bully than he is and hex people to alleviate boredom. I am a slacker. I played a potentially fatal prank on Snape, using my best friend as bait, and showed no remorse. Even if he hadn't died, he would have been an outcast for life. I abuse my personal servant who is bound magically to stay with me. I wished my godson would be expelled from Hogwarts just so I could have some company."

"I'm Remus Lupin. I am a dangerous dark creature that inflicts deadly wounds to myself once a month. i have major self- esteem issues and lack confidence. I let my friends bully people because I didn't want to stand up to them and risk losing their friendship. I lead three students into becoming illegal animagi. I blindly follow Dumbledore just because he let me attend school. I never bothered to contact Harry while he was living with his aunt and uncle. And although I went back, I nearly abandoned my wife and unborn child because I am a coward. The only reason I went back was because a teenager yelled at me."

The Golden Trio and Dumbledore

"I don't think I need to introduce myself, but I'm Harry Potter. I, like my father, habitually disregard rules. I never put any effort into my homework. I have serious anger and trust issues. I ordered my owl to attack my friends for information and didn't care. I don't stand up for myself against my relatives. I obsess over what Malfoy is doing and nearly get my friends killed because of it. I don't bother to practice Occlumensy, and as a result, my godfather wound up dead. Although I know everything Rita Skeeter writes is slander, I believed everything she wrote about Dumbledore. I got into a massive fight with Hermione when she accidentally broke my wand, yet immediately forgave Ron for walking out on me when I needed him most."

"I'm Ron Weasley. I have a total lack of tact and subtlety. I don't think before I open my mouth. I'm constantly harassing the girl I like. I whine all the time, and get overly sensitive about everything. I never do my homework, and when I do, I copy Harry's. I refused to speak to Hermione for ages, first because she was only looking out for harry, then because I thought her pet ate mine. I am prejudiced agains werewolves.I have self- ester issues because I have five older brothers, a little sister adored by my mother, and am best friends with the most famous wizard and the smartest with at school. Even though I know harry hates his fame, I refused to believe that he didn't put his name in the goblet of Fire. I fantasize about cutting off house- elves' heads and mounting them on the wall. While searching for Horcruxes, I did nothing but complain about the food and grouse because we didn't have a plan. I finally left my best friends to die. I came dragging my miserable carcass back only when Bill's accusatory looks got to me. Even after that, I was still absolutely no help because I tend to panic in a crisis and expect Harry and Hermione to get me out of it."

"Hello, I'm Hermione Granger. I babble about all the books I've memorized when I'm nervous, which annoys people to no end. I refuse to believe in the improbable, which is silly, seeing as how I'm a muggle-born witch. I never take anything on faith. I constantly overwork myself. I lose sleep over essays that are three feet longer than required. I freak out over exams and refuse to believe I did well, even when I score a hundred and twelve percent. I try to free house- elves that don't want to be freed and obsess about S.P.E.W. I confound people so they don't make Quidditch teams, yet get angry when I think harry used Felix Felicis to win a match. I have an unnerving tendency to punch people I'm mad at, and can never resist answering questions, even if I'm punished for it."

"I am Professor Dumbledore. I am portrayed as wise, when in reality I'm a lying and manipulative old man. I left a helpless baby on his abusive relatives' doorstep and didn't bother to check up on him. I suspected Quirrel was a spy, yet never did anything about it. I didn't protect the Sorceror's Stone like I should have, seeking as how three first- year students were able to defeat the enchantments. i never asked the ghost of Moaning Myrtle about the monster in the Chamber of Secrets, or how to get in. I never suggested the use of Veritaserum on sirius to prove his innocence, and used a time-Turner to save a hippogriff, but not Harry's parents. I knew somebody was trying to kill harry in his fourth year, yet allowed him to compete in the extremely dangerous Triwizard Tournament and enter a lethal hedge maze that nobody could see into, providing the perfect ambush spot. Iforced professor Snape to teach Harry Occlumensy when the two obviously hated one another. I refused to tell harry about the prophecy, resulting in his godfather's death. I never told him that he was a Horcrux, or why I trusted Snape, causing a lot of deaths that could have easily been prevented."

**A/N: Oh, man, that was FUN! Who knew hay all had so many problems? If Hearts in Strangeness reads this, I'm dedicating the sections about Ron and Dumbledore to her.**

**I'll probably do Twilight next- Bella has so many problems that she might get an entire chapter all to herself! **

**Please review, I would love to hear your thoughts. FLAME AS YOUR OWN LAME ATTEMPTS TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY! SEE IF I CARE!**

**Now go and read my other Fanfic titled They Call Me Ebony part One. Do it. Do it now.**

**Until next time,**

**-Dndchk**


End file.
